urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic Niv Niv 2005-05-02T01:15:02Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:66862 2005-05-02T01:15:02Z 2005-05-02T01:15:02Z Aftershock--"slave to the vibe" The mean reds are back with a vengeance and I'm having a hard time seeing what needs to be done. I'm trying so hard to retain the ideal in which I saw my plans while in California; it was all so clear and obvious. And driving home felt like wading deeper into a swamp (muddied water and creeping vine). So I told myself that if I could endure the time between getting home in the spring and returning in the fall, then I would be ready to make it happen. And so I came home and all of the deafening intricacies and dramas of daily life erupted into blossom. And with spirit dampened, I continue on my quest for meaning or oblivion, unaware of the dumb cries of those-who-would-drag-me-down. <br /><br />I miss animals. plants don't make a good replacement. they don't make funny noises when you squeeze them. and they can't french kiss with you. plants just look pretty and tend to get eaten by cats. <br /><br />I move into my place tomorrow. I'm excited. it'll be fun to have my own space finally. *content*<br /><br />I found kambucha today...kristen introduced me to it while in colorado, and I quite enjoy it now. Sure, it's fermented fungus, whatever. it's a WONDER DRINK! <br /><br />James comes back on the 11th. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:66589 2005-02-22T07:17:32Z 2005-02-22T07:17:32Z it's all a matter of perspective. if you look at something from the wrong direction, you will always get a skewed view. <br /><br />lucid moments dawn on me where i see exactly where everything needs to go to make things happen. then normal thought sets in and everything blurs. life is a puzzle, a mind game, and i am determined to solve it.<br /><br />the road dreams are back. driving driving. same weird, dream roads. same weird, dream destinations. they have meaning, i just have yet to figure it out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:66521 2005-01-13T09:45:38Z 2005-01-13T09:45:38Z slide--dd you can always lose more weight, no matter how beautiful or graceful you may now be. the frame must support as little as possible, as the heavenly oil pours through you, allowing the absorbance of thousand point fairy stars. and what if she is beautiful to all eyes, hair as gold and cheeks of apple blush. she sees the oncoming storm, and her puckery mouth opens in hilarious circle "o" to moan low and insistently. lighting flash and thunder crash. the building shakes is if from below, by satan himself, and the children scatter and shriek. to the side, to the side, the pointy woman bellows. and so it is so, a row of confused refugees from rampant storm. and all about debris of happiness and duluxe squalor pockmark the smooth paper street as glare of light and glam shines from above. what have we here but clear skies and sunburst fashion? and so the children migrate north, nesting in frozen beds with ice cube tubs. the nannies rush about and know no rest, and so they get none (wirey hair and frantic eyes). yawn and turn over, child, your pink skin is too soft to withstand the blows of this hate. curling upwards to the slate stone sky, a flower head pushing and develops. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:66165 2005-01-08T08:14:11Z 2005-01-08T08:14:11Z paths diverge too quickly and I can't seem to keep track of them. the world is shifting place, and it doesn't seem to like anyone to sit on a decision for too long. <br /><br />i'm impatient, too, but I'm a chickenshit. I hope to god that it all happens, and I'm also scared beyond belief. big jump. but the coil winds down, and time is a precious commodity. gotta go gotta fight gotta rush gotta run. <br /><br />,,,,the orange man's got you. <br /><br />the one thing that really bothers me about death is the fact that it's so personal and so apt to embarass. you're lying there, and you become see-through, the object of utter fascination for those around you wondering what's wrong, and if they can fix it. but all you really want is to hide away in a room where no one can see and die quietly. and a clean death would be nice too...I don't think I could handle a lingering hospital death...boils and bed sores, dried out face. not my cuppa tea. <br /><br />,,,,the man at the bottom of the slide waiting to gobble you up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:66040 2005-01-07T02:11:24Z 2005-01-07T02:11:24Z dresden dolls so I've decided to withdraw from society momentarily. I've found a much more enjoyable time spent with books, music and marijuana. <br /><br />if you want to come visit me, you know how to call. so do it. love me. <br /><br />in other news? probably going back to new york for a few days this month about the potential move. if things go well, I'll be moving out thatta way for a while...eer. for an indefinite period. <br /><br />the kitty was sitting with me but he's a cock and he left. <br /><br />I should most likely bathe, but I'm in no mood to leave the shelter of my bed. <br /><br />thank you, thank you, i'm here all week. try the veal. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:65644 2004-12-24T22:05:06Z 2004-12-24T22:05:06Z resident evil 2 piano theme Ahh, festivus, a time to let down your hair and....swallow as many drugs as possible!! *cackle*<br /><br />my darling andrea and I decided that we were to bond, so we went off to a party. it really helps that I ate two mescalines before said party, because I didn't really know anyone there. now, when we walked in the door, who was to be there but a...strange cone-headed man who looked like he had too many botched face-lifts (brazil, anyone?). turns out this was monsieur l'asshole himself. ms. a was not pleased. knowing that this was something madamemoiselle had to work out for herself, I wandered off in search of pot friends. boy howdy, did I find them. after some potent absinthe (shitty aftertaste) we went to the bonfire to be celebratory heathens. after much pot and revelry, I began to trip rather hard. mescaline is....an adventure. it didn't have the wishy washy trip effect that mushrooms have, but rather a very earthy, "i-am-a-wood-nymph" feeling. very introspective, like all of my bullshit was peeled away. <br /><br />productive evening indeed.<br /><br />my sister got approved for her loan for the new house. it's going to be a fucking commune, what with my sister, her baby, her two cats; my brother, his four dogs and cat; and my sister's friend, her two children and their cat. it's pretty cool, though, because the house is like 3,000+ square feet, and used to be a funeral home. (apparently it looks like the adam's family home). mucho fun!<br /><br />december 27th, I go to new york for a shopping trip with one of my "friends." this trip will determine a few things, like whether or not I'll be moving to said city with a new "friend." up and up, away and out, my friends. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:65406 2004-12-08T06:37:04Z 2004-12-08T06:37:04Z so the decision has been made. I am not returning to wayne state in the winter. shall I simply take the semester off? or NEVER GO BACK AGAIN AND DIE FROZEN TO THE PAVEMENT BECAUSE I WILL HAVE BECOME A COLLEGE DROPOUT?<br /><br />who knows. but, I shall be focusing much more on dance. a wonderful man has decided to sponsor my artistic endeavors by paying for my dance classes. he wants me in a studio every day. I think that I can handle that. <br /><br />other news? oh yes. I feel as though I understand jan brady much better now. it seems as though whatever CAL needs CAL gets. oh? a car? take the one jon's using! oh? a home? of course...let us bend over backwards. wait, you want to drive the nice car? take jon's AGAIN and replace it with the shitty one you took in the first place! there we go. <br /><br />needless to say I'm a tad bitter. oh! he did cut himself on a razor I left in the car. hah. hahahahahahahahaha. <br /><br />I spend way too much money on drugs. I mean, I really can't do cocaine anymore. (seventy dollars worth of cocaine up my nose in one night is a tad excessive...to me, at least.) At least with pot, twenty dollars lasts me a few days. maybe even a week! <br /><br />hmm. I need a vacation badly. I recently realized that the last real vacation that I took was back in 1999 when I went to london. and that's much too long of a drag without a bit of a breather. I've come to the conclusion that if I disappear for a week or two, I'll be much more ready to handle things than if I were to stick around. perhaps a warm locale.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:65175 2004-11-17T05:48:23Z 2004-11-17T05:48:23Z Spring board elastic and heaven sent myriad mirages collide in ever resonating circles of being and implosion. Great and mighty man boys pose and strut their stuff beneath my winking star (experience the fruit of truth---sweet nectar and rancid vomit). Shit spray sea mist, cavort, contort, compel, expel the being of beeing and meet the sharp cracked whip of reason. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:64774 2004-11-16T21:17:52Z 2004-11-16T21:17:52Z no longer keeping my ear to the ground; i'm done for the time being. old habits die hard, and they seem to scratch at your surface until some attention is paid. how many sacrifices to achieve a better end, a more desirable final scene? jettison the prejudices and notions of expected behaviour. seek you out and drag you kicking and screaming out out out into the milky opaque light of this grizzled dawn. refracted on the minutae of this ashen sky, moaning groaning space needing to be filled. don't pretend to be what can not be achieved in the situation found at hand; futility breeds arrogance and inconsistency. I'd rather not remember that the world is expansive in all directions; that the universe spirals out up and down as well as side to side. foamy nothing, lapping at your brain and marrow, nibbling lace work designs in elastic flesh. pop and flash those neurons and accept the fact that nothing will ever change, and that the only acceptable release is to change ones self. yet where is the fun in that? so I will continue my vigilence, in defience of the swirling eddies that rush and pull beyond the strength of my wooden arms. because, as we all know, cold statuary registers no sting, no sharpened lance; it simply stands very very still and quietly accepts the offerings of wind and rain tearing it apart. but, what need is there of statuary in the eye of the sun? it is all grain and gravel, sifting through the fingers of innocent children. now we have arrived, and i no longer feel the urge to continue on. i'm going to lie down now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:64748 2004-11-15T01:36:32Z 2004-11-15T01:36:32Z dresden dolls--girl anachronism livejournal is an insect that crawls under your skin and lives with you for a while before going dormant. I escaped for about a year and a half, but I felt a need to vent to the universe at large (aka, the teenaged population in cyberland)<br /><br />so where is life going? spirals and spirals, infinite in the lavender monitor. my private ballet teacher said I could be professional in two years with proper training. and yet, this conflicts with the current scholastic schedule that I have imposed on myself. so, it all breaks down to me either living this dream that has been nagging me, or following the path that seems....somewhat bleak. my clock is winding down and this is making me somewhat nervous. hyperactivity and wanton sexual acts are bogging me down to the point of forcing me into a crystal coffin, awaiting a true feeling or lead. <br /><br />the person that I've had on my mind for a while now is depressingly shallow. and yet, that attracts me. therefore, I am depressingly shallow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:64501 2003-04-08T23:03:41Z 2003-04-08T23:03:41Z chicago---nowadays woke up today. ate a waffle. went to german. didn't realize there was a quiz. so, I took said quiz after "knowing" the material for ten minutes. damn past tense.<br /><br />got my test back from a few weeks ago. never write any form of the verb "boomsen" on a test. ever. <br /><br />jacob has hair that looks like it belongs in run lola run. or city club. <br /><br />"the audience loves me, and I love them; and they love me for loving them, and I love them for loving me; and we love each other. and that's because none of us got enough love in our childhoods."<br /><br />I took a nap after reading more of the fountainhead; that book is great. Dominique is such a sub-bitch...she needs to be chained up. take it, society bitch, take it allllllllll...<br /><br />ahem. <br /><br />"it's good, isn't it grand, isn't it great, isn't it swell, isn't it fine, isn't it nowadays?"<br /><br />I came to the realization that for me to whore around is like me cutting myself...odd that they both give the same feeling. pleasure/pain--&gt; twisted satisfaction.<br /><br />"you can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like, you can even marry harry but mess around with ike, and that's good, isn't it grand, isn't it great, isn't it swell...!"<br /><br />ahhhh...my neighbors must think I'm insane. my music drastically changes. marilyn manson---&gt;bjork----&gt;malice mizer----&gt;bach------&gt;chicago. hmm.<br /><br />I think I may work out and/or play the piano tonight; I have no music theory tomorrow, which is a blessing, because I have a test in astronomy, two makeup quizzes for japanese, and a cello/piano performance to attend. should be fun, though. <br /><br />I would really not even be typing here if the weather were nicer. hrmph. je sors. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:63537 2003-04-07T23:20:58Z 2003-04-07T23:20:58Z driver down--nin it's april. and white outside. so pure, so tranquil, so dead. I wonder if all of the flowers will die this year due to the whole defrosting/freezing cycle. spring sans les fleurs is a little too depressing for me. <br /><br />oh, and I tried bulimia today. not for me...apparently one must have a gag reflex for it to work. <br /><br />JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! my roommate just took a shit, and I can smell it out here...it's gross. I need to buy air spray. <br /><br />hmmm....I took a nap and had the most vivid dreams: it was like watching a movie in my head, complete with dialogue and some sort of twisted plot. I was actually excited to be watching it. <br /><br />The Fountainhed is a good book; I want to be Dominique Francon. Well, Dominique Francon Keating Wynand...:-P<br /><br />poor kyla all sad...morals are a shitty thing to have, especially if they're not yours. <br /><br />ah well, I have to restart the computer now. a bientot, mes chers. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:63194 2003-03-07T20:59:14Z 2003-03-07T20:59:14Z who wants to start a hardcore band with me? we can scream until we puke and drink until our livers revolt. huzzah! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:62969 2003-03-07T00:03:22Z 2003-03-07T00:03:22Z I need to get a fucking band...I've been basically karaoke-ing in my room to some odd music...I've been in a NIN mood, so I've been yelling a lot...I don't normally yell when I sing, so it feels weird.....<br /><br />also, screaming "erase me, kill me" and "your god is dead and no one cares if there is a hell I'll see you there" must really scare my neighbors....bwahahah!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:62214 2003-03-03T19:49:03Z 2003-03-03T19:49:03Z ahh I've been having some odd dreams lately....last week, I dreamt that I went back to my junior high to visit, and david duchovny was a teacher there. he thought I was cute, so he took me on a date yachting. <br /><br />just last night, I dreamt that I was at the same school, but this time tricking them into thinking that I was a student. I was reading some bulletins on the wall, and I saw that DIAMANDA GALAS was giving voice lessons. shocked, I ran to a room that was presumably hers, as she taught there (in the dream, that is). She looked very very nice, and very very young. Her room looked like a middle eastern restaurant cum boudoir. <br /><br />I also won money in some contest, and then people were harassing me because I wasn't really a student and I had won. hmm. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:62190 2003-03-03T19:46:02Z 2003-03-03T19:46:02Z <img src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/21025868.jpg"><br /><img src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/21025860.jpg"><br /><img src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/21025853.jpg"><br /><img src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/21025847.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:61919 2003-02-25T14:42:39Z 2003-02-25T14:42:39Z gay, straight, drama, bliss....where where where does one draw the line? <br /><br />so many gay guys are so very very annoying...yet, so many girls are so pretty and fun and nice. is this some version of hell? <br /><br />.<br />.<br />.<br />slept with three different guys in under a week. oh my. <br /><br />it happens, yes? <br /><br />hmmm and I am not a shallow keyboard drone. well, at least not a bad looking one. <br /><br />ahhh yay for piano practice rooms! the bitch at the music office wouldn't give me one, so I went to her superior. dumb ho. now I can expand my musical skills even more...! wheee!<br /><br />I slept very very well last night; so wonderful, after all of my nights filled with nightmares and turning/tossing. when I woke up, the sky was bright and a clear blue...good omen. <br /><br />"and the angel's name was wormwood..." end times? famine, war, civil unrest? I'm just waiting for a solar eclipse followed my a lunar eclipse...then I'll start stock-piling the canned goods. <br /><br />oh, and The Mark!, I must say that the icon you have of PJ has great great great eye makeup on...makes me jealous. <br /><br />ooooooooooooo I want a harpsichord...I love listening to those things. maybe I can befriend a carpenter, and he'll assemble a harpsy kit for me. yay for that. <br /><br />"we got every rerun of muhammud ali"<br /><br />I've realized that there are no worthwhile men in southeastern michigan...at least none that are single. damn them all. I'll just become a hooker (for pay this time).<br /><br />ahhhh sticking broken shards of mirror to your wall is tricky business, especially when some start falling down randomly, and you notice that you have some particularly knife-like shards right above your bed...eep. <br /><br />german today...goddamn deutsch. I suppose I need to do something to fill my days, or I would just stay in bed and be all bitchy. but, I suppose I can save that for my retirement years. that and subsisting soley on a diet of those cupcakes that are baked in ice cream cones...mmm. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:61450 2003-02-24T17:48:58Z 2003-02-24T17:48:58Z Sonnet Ending with a Film Subtitle<br />by Marilyn Hacker<br /><br />Life has its nauseating ironies;<br />The good die young, as often has been shown;<br />Chaste spouses catch Venereal Disease;<br />And feminists sit by the telephone. <br />Last night was rather bleak, tonight is starker.<br />I may stare at the wall until half-past one.<br />My friends are all convinced Dorothy Parker<br />Lives, but not as well, in Marylebone.<br />I wish that I could imitate my betters<br />And fortify my rhetoric with guns.<br />Some day we women all will break our fetters<br />And raise our daughter to be Lesbians.<br />(I wonder if the bastard kept my letters?)<br />Here follow untranslatable French puns. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:61391 2003-02-17T19:59:22Z 2003-02-17T20:03:22Z NIN--Starfuckers Inc. <img alt="" src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/20245418.jpg"><br /><img alt="" src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/20245321.jpg"><br /><img alt="" src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/20245315.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:60795 2003-01-27T14:21:08Z 2003-01-27T14:21:08Z it is FUCKING THREE DEGREES OUTSIDE. THE WINDCHILL IS -8. of course, I have to be outside the most today. <br /><br />days like this I miss my fat...:-( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:60613 2003-01-22T23:56:13Z 2003-01-22T23:56:13Z David Bowie--"Within You" I've always had self-esteem issues; when I was overweight, I stayed to myself mostly, reading and watching TV. When I lost my weight, I went through a sexual Rennaissance, of sorts, complete with the myriad of one night stands and fucks in the place of a feeling of worth. I still hated myself, so I surrounded/filled myself up with random people to gain a false sense of worth. <br /><br />In the past few months, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching: are people only happy when they're in the process of something? When I was losing my weight, it was all about how "happy I would be when I was done," how "everyone would love me." Since I lost the weight, it seems as though nothing has changed; I was faced with the fact that in order to change things around me, I have to change things from within. I learned that I needed to embrace myself before I could possibly love another human being. <br /><br />I suppose that I've started on my way nicely: just the other night I had a rather erotic dream involving me coming partially out of my body and making out with myself. I woke up, and felt refreshed by it. Maybe I'm not so bad after all. <br /><br />lucid flakes tumbling<br />grasping and breathing<br />soft echoes ringing <br />clamouring past the clouds<br />invisible tendrils<br />smiling with half-lidded<br />eyes; milky pupils, <br />crystalline whites<br />milky tears marring a <br />face formed from perfection urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:60253 2003-01-15T19:16:56Z 2003-01-15T19:16:56Z so I was getting dressed today...decided to wear my mr bill shirt with a black zip up hoodie, some dark blue jeans, and some tennis shoes. When I got my jeans out, they looked kind of funny, but I put them on anyway--it turns out that they were my MOM's from sometime in the mid 80s! ahahhaha! they are so goddamn tight, it's great! <br /><br /><b>jon has ass pants!</b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:60059 2003-01-13T20:39:35Z 2003-01-13T20:39:35Z tori amos--"pretty good year" Did anyone else date any of the female gender before realizing "mmm dick is nice?"<br /><br />just wondering.<br /><br /><img alt="" src="http://pic3.picturetrail.com/VOL11/868109/1572467/18428591.jpg" align="bottom"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:59448 2003-01-06T04:45:13Z 2003-01-06T04:45:13Z my insanity rolling through the various lobes I got my parents to get my birthday present early this year...today, they ordered me a violin...yeehaw!<br /><br />I've been wanting how to learn to play for a while, but I've obviously never had the instrument to do so...this should be interesting. <br /><br />Last night I went to city club feeling somewhat cute...I had on a fun outfit, fun make-up, fun hair. Halfway through the night I started having this fucking panic attack that ended with me in the bathroom, clutching the sink, dousing my face in cold water. HO HUM. I met a cool girl, though, who had on a jetson-esque skirt---her whole outfit was white and vinyl-y. yay for her!<br /><br />I go back to school on wednesday, with classes starting on thursday. I need to work harder this semester (HAH) so that my GPA is raised a little further into a comfort zone. <br /><br />I always get musically creative this time of night---trouble is, everyone is asleep and I can't bang on the piano like I want to. Damn it all. <br /><br /><b>clean up this mess!<b></b></b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:neptunelogic:58860 2002-12-18T05:19:37Z 2002-12-18T05:19:37Z it's funny how people say that eighteen year olds are know it alls...what if we really do know everything, and we just forget it when we get older?